I just want to say THANK YOU to everyone who wrote such encouraging comments on my Exhausted and What This Blog is gonna look like posts. You are all SO amazing. Honestly. I just feel so loved that I want to send you a koala 🙂
This is a post that I have had floating around in my head. I have been thinking ‘how do I share this?’ because what happened to me was about one of the most profound and ‘AHA moments I’ve had in a long time’.
I have been reading through ‘Women, Food and God‘ by Geneen Roth. I have been hearing a lot about it in the blogging world. I really DID NOT like ‘Intuitive Eating‘ and I was hesitant to read this book. Was it going to be just another self-help book that did nothing?
I got to page 32
Combine the utter inefficacy of dieting with the lack of spiritual awareness and we have generations of mad, ravenous, self-loathing women. We have become so obsessed with getting rid of our obsession, with riding on top of our suffering and ignoring its inherent message, that we lose the pieces of ourselves waiting to be found again.
Then I stared, highlighted and bracket this sentence
But fixing ourselves is not the same as being ourselves.
Since I was little, I have been trying to be something better.
Better at school. A better kid. More polite. More active. More fit. Thinner. A better eater. The top of the class. The best girlfriend. The most loyal friend. Prettier.
My whole life, I have been in a state of trying to fix myself….so that I can be perfect. Namely in the eyes of the diet, men, or others that I am surrounded by. Most of this have been self-inflicted.
This realisation was one of the most powerful eruptions of emotions I have ever experienced, comparing to this. I sat on my bed, sobbing for 20 minutes. Grieving the fact that so much of my life, and even intense moments now, I have spent STRIVING to fix myself.
I let the snot drip out of my nose, the tears stream, my breathing become rapid…and then I sat in the shower sobbing for another 20 minutes. It was as if I had to admit that I didn’t see myself as whole. In fact, dieting and the subsequent years I have lived through, have done a VERY efficient job of separating who I am from my soul. Now I am compressing those who back together…which DEMANDS that I deal with the need to be perfect. To fix myself.
What I didn’t do is go to food.
What I did do is write on note cards all of the things which bring my JOY/PEACE/HAPPINESS.
What I did do is write down all of the things that I LOVE about myself.
They sit by my bed and I have looked through them every morning.
I am in a place where I am still stuck in the moments that demand that I ‘fix’ something about myself. But I am overcoming this notion with the thought that I am ENOUGH RIGHT NOW! It’s profoundly scary, liberating, and powerful to take a step back and stop trying to fix yourself..and just love what you’ve got.
I know it sounds hooky, and almost simplistic. ‘Just love who you are’. But it’s not. And when you get to that moment where dieting, calorie counting, pant sizes, grades, your boss’ perception, parents approval, and/or your faith’s ‘must dos’ are not longer defining your personal worth….you will stop living your life in a constant state of fixing. Instead you’ll live your life for yourself and for LIVING. Letting go of other’s validation and approval for your own trust in yourself to know what you want….in my opinion is at the core of where I have struggled for so long.