— Liberated — Recovery — (Part 3)
Since my weight loss surgery in June 2017, I have felt liberated from the bondage of addiction. That boundaries, which I have struggled placing, are now firmly in place. That my faith is the cornerstone of what and who I am. That I am finally SEEING myself who I am. Unearthing my divine gifts, my vision for my business and making certain things priorities. Namely rest, creation and joy.
I never realised how much the buckets of ice cream, bowls of pasta and glasses of wine were shoving down my desperation to feel liberation.
How I was running from fear of rejection by doing 50 classes in one month.
The times I would kiss my daughter and walk out the door on a mission to prove my worth.
As I grew my business, so did I grow the eye for comparison. The intense anxiety wrapped around other’s approval of me. Sitting on the other end of my phone, with a pit in my stomach freaking out about what someone was messaging me about. Waking up in the morning to 100 notifications on my phone. The need to say YES over and over again even though I was exhausted.
I was suffocating myself. I was protecting myself with food. I was too afraid to use my voice, my wisdom, my insight.
I forgot who I was.
Building my business wasn’t the beginning of the shoving and silencing of who I was, it started when I was 4. I started to unearth my voice in my mid-twenties and then sold my soul in a relationship when I was 25. Spending the next 8 years completing two masters degrees with honours, excelling my nursing career and then in my own business journey.
The whole time trying to shove down my food addiction whilst excelling. Trying to desperately make others notice me through achievements and accolades. Masters degrees neatly framed and pieces of luggage given to me under the bright lights. Feeling, even for a moment, that I was able to penetrate the ‘inner circle’.
I know that the weight loss over the past five months would be the beginning of a deep transformation for me. What has surprised me most was the intense and amazing alignment that faith has played in this for me. Realising that no love, not food / not husband / not work / not my daughter — was or is bigger then that of Christ for me.
This love has empowered me in ways that I never thought was imaginable. I have come to a place of liberation. Of boundaries. Of rest and relaxation. Of deep focus and intention. Of unapologetic desires.
I will be totally honest with you, that I have also struggled throughout the past 5 months. The default ‘comfort’ of the addict mind is reeling and is present all the time if I find myself unaligned. It’s easy to slip back into the old patterns. I find this especially true with food and food choices. I keep coming back to the grace that I have been afforded by my savior.
As I continue in my recovery, I find peace in knowing that it no longer has the grip on me that it once did. I don’t feel as though there is NO hope. I don’t feel destined to a life of exhaustion and anxiety. I don’t feel ashamed of my past. I don’t feel the waves breaking over me of being unloved.
It’s a continual journey of alignment of how I want my life to be, feel, become.
If you you feel as though you’d like support with any form of eating disorder and/or addiction please seek help from medical professionals and qualified mental health professionals. In Australia please reach out to Head Space, National Eating Disorders Collaborative, Binge Eating Disorder Association