I have STRUGGLED with my weight since about five years old….this is when my parents got divorced. Food was to all be eaten, and no one monitored our eating habits. I remember a day when I ate seven full-sized candy bars..no one told me no. NO ONE!
High school was hell. I was so fat, totally fat and honestly it was a mask which I hid behind. I didn’t date anyone..didn’t kiss anyone..NOTHING. Not even a dance with a boy..never ever had a date.
Then in college, my junior year, I had enough. So I dropped about 50lbs..and got down to about a size 14..which was amazing. The day when I bought a pair of WOMEN Gap jeans I cried. No one understand this unless they’ve been through it. My first kiss at 21…it was great. But again, my whole life has been put on a slower path because of my weight.
I deal with my own insecurities every single day.. EVERY DAY. Not good enough, not skinny enough, not confident enough, not mature enough, not experienced enough, not lovable enough, not nice enough, not as strict enough on my diet, not planned enough. Dieting is a constant exposure of the inadequacies that I deal with on a daily basis. The goal of dieting is to get a person to ‘the place’ where they feel healthy, happy, accomplished. Perhaps that happens, but during the journey it’s a constant feeling of having to be perfect to end up being perfect. It sucks..but I have to do it.
SO…..I have been trying to be ‘perfect’ with my diet. Tracking everything, even when I had a big night on Friday. Cutting back my calories, working out, and trying not to binge out of stress or let it go because I have had nothing but:
‘wow, you look amazing these days/
stares from friends who would have never given me the time of day/
people actually calling me ‘twiggy’ or ‘skinny’ SKINNY??? Did someone actually just call me ‘skinny’? OMG. That was one for the books.
I woke up yesterday and weighed myself. When I saw 169.2lbs I cried…bawled. People have no idea how hard it is to lose weight. Damn, it felt good..really good.
So, my goal is 158lbs (132lbs total weight loss). I can be at 160 according to Weight Watchers..and currently I am in the ‘healthy range’ of weight for my height and built. I have a secret (well it’s not secret now) goal of 168..something by my birthday…one week, one day. I can’t tell you how exciting it is. Actually, it’s scary.
Who will I be without dieting. It’s been my identity for the past eight years.
I have changed…I wonder though if I am totally aware of the change and able to process it. It’s been an interesting journey these past couple of weeks. I have all this good around me and yet I feel totally raw, totally exposed. I have things lined up and yet I want more, I want to be skinner, happier, healthier, more confident. Dieting is like a drug..it’s gives you a high, slams you down…and if you’re lucky you make it out alive, skinny and happy.