Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the whole truth, so help you God?
Umm…can I think about it?
I have been debating writing this post…because there are sometimes when really…I don’t want to whine, bitch, complain, admit that I slipped. Who really does want to raise their right hand and admit that they failed didn’t do exactly what needed to be done?
I Started off with this
Even after this post and this one….it still had power over me yesterday. My friend had it at her house and I stepped on it. I had avoided it before when at her house, but this time since my jeans were feeling a bit loser and my tummy was a bit flatter I needed wanted desired the validation crack of knowing that I was less.
Well, I don’t know if I had lost any weight, cause I had eaten and had clothes, but the number was higher than I envisioned. Then I had do to the whole justification game…ever done that before:
- You’ve eaten so take 2-3lbs off
- You have clothes on so take 1lbs off
- You haven’t had your period so take .5lbs off
- Then it isn’t that bad—GOOD GIRL
Well I got validated for about half-second.
Then I came home after an outing and went to the cafeteria. Now for the most part I have been ‘good’ with my eating. I use the word good loosely, because I seems elementary and worthy of a gold star. However, last night was when the deprivation of the Yeastball diet was kicking in.
I should know that a lot of my binging is surrounded and rooted in either: loneliness or the sense of deprivation. That is why when we listen to our bodies and filll it will healthy food and forget dieting..this instigator of deprivation ceases. However, with Yeastball I have gotten my head into this really shitty space that is laden with deprivation. Dripping and suffocating in it. It is a binge producer.
I started off with this, and then a another of this
In my head it’s a no-no right now because of my Yeastball diet. However, when I tell myself NO…I just want it more. I ONLY see the things I can’t eat whenever I go to eat.
- Gluten laden cereal
- Fruit juice
- Hot chocolate
- FRUIT–never thought I’d put that on a list
- Ice cream
And then I got into ‘But tomorrow I’ll start’ mode and shoved my face into ice cream.
So two huge fruit salad bowls later and four scoops of ice cream, I felt mentally defeated. And that…my friends is when the binge monster tries to wage it’s war.
- Have one more scoop, wait til no one is watching.
- Tell people that you’re giving it up tomorrow, when you go back for your second, third, millionth serving
- Find sugar in your house, make pancakes, find chocolate
- Get in your car and go to fast food cause the stores are closed
- FIND FOOD NOW
THEN I STOPPED. I went to yogadownload.com and put on an hour yoga session.
I cried for the first couple of minutes, because I gave myself the space to actually SIT with the emotions that I was feeling. Disappointment. Deprivation. Annoyance. Failure. Is this ever going to end? Then I gathered my composure and sweat through it. I have never done that many chaturungas and lunges in my life. Yeah my body was tired. But you know what..if felt amazing. Amazing to bring myself to a place where I couldn’t selfishly indulge in wallowing feelings of self-doubt and pity.
I warriored through it.
What do you do when you need to ‘snap out of it’?