If you troll around on this blog, you will see blog posts from YEARS ago. In 2007 I started a weight loss blog, suggested by my then boyfriend. I didn’t know it at the time, but that relationship would be the rocket into hell that I would ride for years and years and years.
It’s only now, after reading books, saying that I have been ‘healed’, trying to give up, diet and then binge my way back to weight gain.. that I can say I finally feel like I’m understanding my head. That I’m understanding why I work myself into the ground and then release into an emotional over-eating.
I’m searching for the fulfilment that I allowed to run away from me 8 years ago when the spirit of belief, self-nourishment, got starved.
My success in doTERRA is attributed so much to my hard-work. It is a desire to be-more, do-more, seek-more, rise higher. It has changed lives, but it’s exhausted me.
I was speaking with Kelly King Anderson this past week and she was telling me of her journey in doTERRA and how she stayed at Diamond for a couple of years because she was honouring what she felt was right for her family. To serve, travel and let it be what was. It was like this BREATH of fresh air ‘it is OK to take longer then others think you should. It’s ok to take longer then you think you should’
It’s easy to start hurling yourself at people, the money, the spotlight, the glitter..and yes even the purple carpet walk. I’m fallen victim to that. Booking classes, fretting over rank, money, enrolments, etc. Killing myself in comparison. Negating every single ounce of success, because I wasn’t like someone else.
Loosing sight of every single ounce of grace I’ve been given.
Being full wrapped up in my identity and my fulfilment coming from external sources. And when the pressure and exhaustion becomes so much, the binging would kick in. The negative self-doubt tape would start playing on repeat. And LOUD.
I don’t know why RIGHT now in the peak of huge business shifts God has to come and lay the smack down. I was saying to my husband today “the last time I felt REALLY alive and totally centred was 10 years ago.”
For many people that you see, success is really just a blanket that is covering a spiritual hole. A driving force for external affirmation. It’s exhausting, Bloody Exhausting. So much of what is projected is what people filter.
I can’t pretend to be healed.
I would be robbing my journey of it’s purpose on this earth.
When I get out of my ego, when I release the wounds of the past, the blanket of success over my empty and weary soul…I begin to fill my cup. I begin to see myself outside of every single career I’ve hidden in. Working like a horse attached to a plow. I begin to re-aling with myself, someone who I honestly don’t know. I’ve hidden behind masks for so long.
The fear of being in a space of authenticity is so consuming for so many. But I have dug so deep in my faith, so deep in the image that God has created for me. That the fountain of stength to overcome the fear is in the divine love that pumps through me. Even when I don’t feel worthy, I remind myself that only true place of nourishment is in the stillness of the divine stillness.
There is hope. It just takes release. Faith. Patience. Being authentically present. It takes showing up and being broken — and ready to be full again.